Seems I'm down to posting once or twice a year. It isn't for lack of effort - I definitely visit my blog more often - hoping to write something. It isn't for lack of material - God knows there's been plenty of drama going on between now and last November. It is more this - at this juncture in my life I'm tired of complaining because i feel that is what my life has been reduced to - complaining - and nothing gets more old than incessant complaining about the same old shit day in and day out.

So I'll attempt to summarize and just point out the facts:

I was out of work during the entire writer's strike which proved to be a bumpy time in many ways. I found out I can't even garner an interview outside my chosen field - or find work even as a temp - which is unsettling to say the least. The best I could manage was some babysitting gigs. It was also during this time, without work, that my finances took a rather nasty nose dive requiring some creative juggling on my part to keep things afloat. My older blind dog hit a major rough spot with her health - various problems that all added up to a whole lotta dough and stress. Thankfully she's oodles better now. My own health decided now would be a good time to crap out as well, but that's a rather long boring story with lots of unsavory details. After much money and many doctor visits I'm in a healthier place than before. My condition is chronic and will require continued care but my overall health is more stable than it was pre-crapping out. Finances have improved as well.

Things in the love life department are eh. Still in love and all that mushy stuff but feeling the itch - after three years - to have more than what we do. Logistics seem to be creating rust in the mechanics of making it all happen though. I'm facing a decision - stay or move on - which I'm loathe to make.

Work is the usual insanity. My former boss man really went to bat and got me back to the world of the living after my health had relegated me to being a recluse. I ended up doing the feature I mentioned in my last post and to make things extra interesting juggled the tv show at the same time. I got to be on set - which I love - but now that the feature is done am back in the office - which loyal readers know I hate.

Movie was definitely more low-key than the last feature I worked on but it wasn't without its own set of dramas.

As for the tv show - we're in our final season - doing double our normal block of episodes which keeps us all in the gravy for a good long while. I was hoping, b/c after all hope springs eternal, to get on set for this final season - or at least more so than I've been allowed previously. I beat my drum loudly for this to happen. Alas it was not meant to be as here I am - chained and back to the original desk I had when I first started working with these guys over three years ago. I've also been forced to swallow a rather bitter pill (per one of our ep/writer's words) when it comes to some advancement I was led to believe I would get - it was instead handed off to an upstart PA with scant experience in the field. My bitter pill is still stuck in my throat. I'm looking for other work but when one is in a niche field with a niche job on the wrong side of the states - opportunities are few and far between. It may be time - once this job ends - for me to make a move back out to where I began my career in the first place. In the meantime, I'll continue working on my writing and look towards the future and not the past.

Here's the lowdown on what's gone on since April:

The crazy pilot I mentioned in my last post got picked up for eight episodes. The series portion was just as insane as the pilot but spread out over about five months - more than five hours sleep was a rare thing during that time. We managed to crank out five episodes before various factors shut us down - about a week BEFORE the writer's strike. My last work day, for at least two months, is tomorrow. Post production will continue on till probably December. The three scripts we still owe the network ain't gonna be written - not only because of the strike but also because the show is barely holding it together on the stilts it calls legs. Even if the strike didn't happen - it seemed unlikely the scripts we owed, were they to be written, would ever get filmed. Our newly announced timeslot is just another coat of pink paint on the rotting dead elephant everyone's ignoring.

The second pilot I worked on was sadly not picked up by the network. I think the creators are still hoping to breathe some life back into it at some point but as always that's a crap shoot.

The tv series I worked on suffered thru a difficult season. It was a hard ride for all involved - including the viewers - and we were all grateful to get off as fast as we could when filming wrapped. It was only recently picked up for another season and normally we'd all be back at work in a couple months but that's all dependent on when the strike ends now.

One of the movies I worked on came out in theaters and has been getting great reviews. That was definitely a highlight this year - having a movie all of the crew can be extremely proud to have worked on premiere AND getting to see my name in the credits for the first time ever.

The same group of people from that movie may have another project starting in January but we're waiting on that all important "official green light" to happen. If I'm lucky, I may have my choice of two jobs - movie or tv show.

On the writing front - I handed off that spec. Of the four important decision making people I gave it to - only two of them have read it. Those two both liked it - one suggesting I also do an original pilot as well. Something I plan to work on during my time off. Of the other two - one has a legitimate excuse for not reading it - he works like a dog and rarely has time to sleep let alone read my spec. The other though is just plain lazy and quite honestly pissing me off. He's been outta work since the tv series finished for the season and his excuses are getting lamer by the day. The latest was that it was just too soon to get his head back into the show and read my script. I'm disappointed and a little disgruntled.

Right now I'm working my way through the various temp agencies trying to find something to keep things afloat during my "vacation from the biz" and so that I can properly enjoy my favorite time of year. It's looking rather bleak though - the pay rate at most of these places is so low I'd end up spending more traveling to work and paying for someone to watch my dogs than I would earn at the actual job. Seems it may be cheaper to stay at home and make the best of unemployment for a while.....

Never say it can't get worse cause sure as shit it will certainly get worse - usually in ways you couldn't even imagine.

I didn't do this fatal flaw on Tuesday but what I didn't know was that someone else had tempted fate for me......

Couple weeks ago, the writer on one of the pilots I worked on emailed to ask me for a working draft of the script. Seems they were planning on doing some re-shoots.

I never heard anything else about it and figured they didn't require my services for the re-shoots.

I figured wrong.

Monday was a slow day at the office. Around six pm, a friend writes to say she just got handed tickets to a concert that evening at 8P - can I go? I wasn't doing anything and said sure, why not.

I pack up and am out the door by six thirty.

By 7:30P, my cell rings. I don't recognize the number and let it hit voicemail. About an hour later, I'm on line getting snacks and decide to check my voicemail.

It's the first assistant director from the pilot calling to say he heard pages were emailed to me and was wondering when he could expect to receive them.

I call him back, get his voicemail, and say I hadn't heard anything about pages, that I would look into it tomorrow, but that I wasn't aware that I'd be working on the re-shoots.

Oh silly silly Wabbit.

I then decide to check my email via my cell and realize pages were indeed emailed to me - about ten minutes after I left the office. No warning. No nothing.

The first AD texts me to say not to worry, it's been taken care of and we'll talk tomorrow. But doesn't explain what he means by "taken care of."

Next day, I'm on the bus to work when the production coordinator for the pilot calls me. Says they are waiting on me to prep the pages so they can distro to the crew. I say the 1st AD told me it was taken care of. She says no, we just gave the pages to the actors so they could learn their lines - we didn't give it out to anyone else.

Joy.

I get in, quickly prep the pages and put them out.

Couple hours later, the production coordinator calls me - we work in different offices just to make things more interesting - and says the 1st AD just got different pages from one of the producers with a new scene that wasn't part of the pages we put out earlier. Do I know anything about this? And of course, I know nothing.

I call the producer, ask about the pages with the new scene. It goes something like this:

Producer: Yea the writer sent them out last night. You didn't get them?

Me: Nope.

Producer: Really? He didn't send them to you?

Me: Unfortunately not. Can you foward them to me? (meanwhile the writer is on a plane flying across country for the re-shoots the next day)

Producer: Yes, but I only have them in PDF, not in Screenwriter.

Me: So I'm guessing I shouldn't have put out those goldenrod pages earlier today since these replace them.

Producer: Probably not.

Grand.

Get the PDF of the pages. Furiously type them into the script and get them sent out as quicly as I can. My email went something like this: Please find attached the 2nd Goldenrod Pages. The attached pages REPLACE the 2nd Goldenrod pages that were put out this morning.

About two hours go by and then my phone rings again. It's Emily in (insert state). Emily in (insert state) needs me to email her the script in Final Draft so a different writer can work on some more revisions.

This causes several alarms bells to go off.

First being I don't know this Emily chick from a hole in the wall.

Second being - a different writer? What the heck? There is ONE WRITER on this show and he's on a plane right now.

Third being - the program we used on this show was Screenwriter which is sadly not compatible with Final Draft.

I call back the producer and try to figure out what exactly is going on. Between him and some other people, I find out that they have JUST brought in a new writer, that Emily is a new Associate Producer, and that I'll be getting more revisions - probably in a word document - from this new writer and also from the regular writer when he lands.

Time goes by. I get my two different sets of revisions - one from each writer - incorporate them into the script and out goes the 3rd white pages at 8:30P.

About two hours later, I've finished up the other work that needed doing and am journeying home.

At 11:30P, my cell rings. Unlike the night before where I let it go to voicemail, I decide to answer it. It is Emily. She's sorry to inform me they have more revisions and I need to put them out immediately.

It is also at this time, I realize I've put myself on the wrong bus going home. Don't ask - I'm still not sure how I managed this feat - but there I was not traveling towards my apartment but towards my parent's house a good twenty minutes away from my own home.

I inform Emily I'm on a bus going home, that I live a good hour away from the office, that I don't have my computer with me, that it is locked up in the office and I don't have the key to get back in. It's gonna have to wait till tomorrow.

Her response - that's not my problem, you need to get back in and get these pages put out. They're for tomorrow - first scene of the day at 9A.

Fantastic.

She says she'll call the office to see if anyone is there to wait for me to return and I call my parent's to see if I can wake them up so they can drive me home once I get near their house.

Oh insanity.

I then call the producer. Not surprisingly, at midnight, his phone rings and rings and rings till I get his voicemail and leave him a message. I tell him what's going on and ask how he'd like to proceed. I then call my former boss, who is also involved in this project, and his phone goes right to voicemail. This tells me his phone is most likely off and he won't get my message till the morning so I don't bother to leave one.

Emily calls back to say there is someone there and she told them they had to wait for me to return to the office. Thinking that she's called the office I work in, the one she called me at earlier in the day, I ask who she spoke to there. She says some girl. Still thinking she's called MY OFFICE and not the office for the pilot, I say you can't do that. You can't make our paperwork production assistant (who at that hour would be the only one possibly left in the office) wait for me to return. She doesn't work on the pilot and she has to be on set for the series I work on early in the morning.

Her response. Not my problem. She has to wait for you.

Sigh.

It then dawns on me, she probably didn't call the right office. And I was right, she called the production office for the pilot. I inform her of this and remind her that I don't work there so chances are my computer won't be in that office. She says it doesn't matter as they have to wait for me regardless so they can copy the pages for filming the next day.

Oh frustration.

I then try to explain to her that I still don't have a way to get into my own locked office and access my computer. I also haven't heard back from the producer and am wondering if I'm really gonna have to go back to work and potentially break into the office to get these pages out.

She decides to call the executive producer because she thinks he'll have a key to my office.

Silly, silly Emily.

The EP does have keys - to his own office. He has his own production company - where he has his own large office and assistant. This EP works not only on the pilot but also on the series I work on. But he rarely if ever visits our offices and he certainly doesn't have keys.

Emily tries to argue with me saying He's the EP! Of course he'd have keys to the production office of his show! I try to explain how things work but my words fall on deaf ears. She asks how I've gotten back into the office in the past when this has happened. I tell her this has never come up before so I've never had to find out. Thankfully her frustration with me drives her to hang up so she can call the EP and work something out.

The EP tells not only does he not have keys to our production office, he also doesn't agree with her idea of having me trek the hour plus back into work in the middle of the night. He does however agree the pages have to be put out prior to filming the next day.

Great.

This posed a problem.

At some point during all this, I remembered my office wasn't going to open until 7:30A. Filming on the pilot was slated for 9A. This didn't provide enough time to prep the pages, make copies and get them to set all before 9A.

I don't tell this to Emily though as I didn't want to make her panic and waste more time talking to her. I get off the phone and try to figure out how exactly I'm gonna make this work.

First course of action - getting keys to the office. I'm not sure who has keys and I don't have a ready list of numbers with me at home to call. It is now 12:30A, my time to find someone who has keys and is hopefully awake is running out.

In the end, a former co-worker still had keys to the office and was awake. Yay - access has been granted!

I then call the production office for the pilot and tell the poor soul, the production coordinator, who's been waiting around for me - per Emily - to go the heck home. I ain't gonna have anything for at least another two hours - by the time I drive to this person's house, get the keys, drive into work and then prep the pages. Get some sleep and come back in the morning, I say.

He treks home and I start my trek back to work shortly before 1A.

Buses to my home stop running at 1:30A which is why I'm forced to drive. I get into my car, travel to get the keys and then into work without a hitch.

Retrieve my computer, put out the 3rd Blue pages, and am back home and in bed by 4:30A.

I am mud.

I decide to work from home that day. After that night's fiasco, as I'm leaving the office, I bring everything I could possibly need with me home.

I rouse myself around 10:30A. I email the producer and my former boss to explain the activities of the previous night.

Former boss man emails right back to let me know exactly what I did wrong.

"Please contact me when these things happen. Word of advice: Use your voice mail. Don't call them back until you check with
us. Make yourself unreachable first. It could have been done in the morning."

Ugh.

I explain to him - as I did in my initial email - that I did call him and the producer to no avail. No one was awake and no one returned my phone call. I also explain that I thought coming in that morning was too risky.

He replies "It would have been fine. "

Yea that's great but it's a little late now.

Producer writes me back, much later that day, and says "That sucks. Sorry I wasn't available and you had to go through that. I have to say you do a really great job. Thanks."

I like this response oodles better.

During the course of the day, more revisions come in and I end up putting out the 3rd Pink pages.

Oh and I found out who invited insanity to visit. The production coordinator on the pilot - having just finished a crazy job - said to himself when starting work on Monday. This is a one week gig for re-shoots. Sweet. This will be easy. Nothing can be more difficult or crazy than the job I just did.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....aha.....ha.

He now knows better and we have been forever bonded after the experiences of that night.

Done!

I did it! I did it! I did it! I wrote a spec all by myself!

Finished - polished - handed in.

Gave it to former boss man, writer/producer on the show and director of development at the creator's production company.

Now I gotta keep my ass in gear and get the SECOND spec done and the spec for one of the two pilots that will hopefully get picked up.

Trying to figure out which one to work on first - the spec for the pilot since upfronts are in May and they are already interviewing to hire potential writers or the second spec for this show.

Then there's all these other ideas I have floating around my head.

Many many thanks to my friends who took time and energy out of their busy schedules to give me comments and advice - it was invaluable!

Finally working on my script... again! I have high hopes to finish not only the first spec but a second one as well.

Boss man's new assistant and I get along great. I have no problem training him or responding to all his questions. But it just irks me that he gets to do things; I was not allowed to do when I was an assistant. Plus he has a built in database - me - of information on how to do the job. Something I never had - I was left to fend for myself with an uncommunicative boss who always acted like he couldn't stand me.

The new assistant gets to go on the tech scouts - regularly. My first season, I was allowed to attend four. Then they decided to lighten the load of those who attended and that included me. I was encouraged to keep asking about attending but was never again given the opportunity.

The new assistant gets to visit set. My first season, I was on set virtually every day. My next season, I was office bound and allowed to visit set ONCE. I was miserable. I asked at the end of last season if this season, I could visit set more often. I was told I could and gladly stayed on knowing I'd be back where I was happiest.

Fast forward to this season. I get a raise and a new job title. Fantastic - career is moving forward. But I also get a new set of job responsibilities that effectively chain me to my desk. Not to mention my new set of bosses decided they'd rather I stay in the office to over see certain tasks. So here I am - trapped and miserable yet again.

The new assistant is office bound most of the time too but he's gone to set triple what I was allowed to do last season. When he is on set - boss man encourages him to get a pair of cans (headphones), sit in the chairs (which are reserved for the big wigs), and watch the monitors. I however was either reprimanded severely or given dirty looks or just got a general crappy attitude from boss man when I would hang near the monitors during my first season on this show. I never sat in the chairs and always tried to be aware of making sure everyone could see - staying towards the back or simply getting out of the way if others needed to see the screens more than I - but apparently it wasn't enough for boss man and I was almost effectively banned from being anywhere near the monitors.

This is why I need to get these scripts finished. To stop lollygagging and letting insecurity, laziness and depression have control over my past, present and future. So that I can move forward and have control over when I get to decide if I'll be on set or not - so that its my decision and not someone elses. So I can be happy and in love with my job again. I miss the days when I would wake up and be thrilled about going to work - even at 4:30A in the morning. These days I have to literally drag myself into the office with little to no enthusiasm.

I also need this job more than ever now. I need to get my ass in gear and do 100% better than I have been to make sure the producers bring me with them once this show ends.

With my ex and co-parent out of the picture {I haven't seen or heard from him since he moved into the home he bought with his girlfriend in November}, I am now the sole caretaker - emotionally, financially and physically of our pets and they ain't cheap to look after. I certainly don't regret them at all, but I never expected to be taking care of them all on my own. I need to do all I can to stay gainfully employed. Now if I can somehow manage to stay gainfully employed and bring the joy back into my work, I'll be all set.

Some things just never change.

Done with the movie. It was a long haul but in the end I was glad for the experience. I feel like I can handle almost anything after the marathon of torture we all endured on that set.

The director turned out to be two faced. I killed myself for him but like most people in his position, he either didn't appreciate it or couldn't care less. Once we moved into post production, he revealed his true colors. Told someone he thought I was green and didn't know what I was doing when I told him no about something. He got the studio involved but luckily I was backed up by an industry vet on my answer - sometimes you can't get what you want overnite and this guy just needs to learn to deal.

Now I'm back to working in tv land - working the same show and also a couple of pilots - all at the same time. Each day is fairly busy but I don't feel overwhelmed as I frequently did on the movie. And I'm no longer an assistant. After having to hire me my own assistant during the movie, I guess boss man realized it was time for me to move up. So I'm just doing the script futzing/clearances/etc stuff full time now. Plus I got a slight bump to my salary. Now if only my brood of animals weren't experiencing a sudden flood of misc. illnesses and ailments, I could actually start to put some into savings.

But as I did on the movie, I'm getting the same old "make it happen, I don't care how, I don't care if its impossible and there's not a shot in hell of it ever happening, find a way and make it come into being." on the tv show. That's one part of the job I don't think I'll ever enjoy.

Is It Over Yet? - A Rant

Nope - still got one more month to go of hell on this movie. Working on this project has been like one long nightmare and I'll be glad when it is all done and in the can.

I don't have much that's good to say about this current job other than I'm employed and can thus keep the roof over my head and my animals fed and happy.

What sucks is at the end of all this - instead of being able to enjoy the finished product - all I'm going to see are the million daily fires and problems.

The million times my boss said to make the impossible happen when "no" just wasn't an option.

The million times I had to argue with the director or the producer about things like not being able to use a photo of Jimi Hendrix because we don't have permission from the photographer or Jimi Hendrix's estate.

The constant stream of "No you can't use that magazine. No you can't show that person's phone number. No we don't have clearance on SPAM. No you can't say D&D coffee tastes gross. No you can't take that photo of one of our former presidents and make it into a dart board."

"Yes I know it sounds ridiculous but we can't show the woman with the large tattoo of a tiger on her back because the tattoo artist holds the copyright to that work and he hasn't signed a release. I understand but it is my job to point these things out. What's that you say? You don't care and want me to turn a blind eye? Even though there's been precedent set with tattoo artists suing over how their work is protrayed? Yea I don't think that's gonna fly."

"Yes I know we need this famous magazine as a featured prop on Monday but I only got the mock-up today and the magazine hates it. They hate it so much they don't trust our graphic artist to fix it. They said maybe they can make one for us by Friday but no guarantees. Yes I know Friday is a union holiday and no one will be working. No they don't have to play ball with us. No they don't. No they don't. Because this isn't a product placement deal - its clearances and we're at their mercy. Because they have a magazine to put out and we aren't their top priority. Yes I'm doing my best. Yes I know its integral to the script and we're fucked without it. I'm doing my best. Make it happen no matter what huh? Okay....."

And so on and so forth.

I can't even justify the zillion hours I'm putting in - even to myself. Getting home with just enough time to get 4-5 hours of sleep before having to do it all over again the next day. The constant complaints and comments from my family and my boyfriend who just don't get what I do.

"Will you always have to work such long hours?" "Why can't you get benefits?" "I dont' understand why you can't join a union." "Why do you have to work through your vacation?" "You should be getting paid more." "Is it legal to have you work for so many hours?" "You're going to kill yourself if you keep up this pace." "Why can't we see you more often." "You're always tired when you're around us - we never get to enjoy your company."

Ahh showbiz.

Projects like this I hate cause they make me doubt why I stay in this fucking lunatic crazy business.

I wrote this in an email to a dear friend today and I think it sums up my life since I last wrote on blogger pretty well so I decided to post it:

Just so you don't think i dropped off the face of the earth and into an abyss.

Oh wait....I have!

I'm working at least 70-80 hours a week on this new movie. I'm bringing work home to do on the weekends. I'm getting paid shit and while everyone respects me and blah blah blah - i'm basically doing the job of an associate producer without the title, the credit or the pay. Its really starting to piss me off.

I'm never home. That sucks. I slept from 3A until 12:30P and I'm still exhausted. Fun stuff.

In the meantime I've been offered that agency job. $20K more a year plus bonuses and benefits. They even said they could take a month's notice - not including my two week vacation. But I still haven't given notice to my job or the other job the official okay.

Why is this you ask? Well I'd basically be black balling myself from working with any of these people ever again as I'd be walking off in the middle of a very hectic job where I'm responsible for way too many things. Did I mention I feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of work and things I have to juggle and keep straight every single day? People think I live in the office since I'm there so late every nite.

Plus I don't know that I want to work for these people. I met the second agent - the head agent - finally. He made me wait for two hours - granted he kept calling - but still. Then when he arrived, he basically harrassed our waitress. "What's good to eat here?" As she rattled off the items on the menu, he kept saying Next, Next. ie she would say sandwiches and he would respond "Boring, Next" and so forth. Plus all he talked about was money, money, money.

Basically he wants to be able to "exploit" (not that he used such an ugly word) his clients in as many ways possible for more money and bring in new clients to boot.

This is where I would come in.

But I really need the money and my hours are killing me so I don't know what to do. Rock and a hard place.

I haven't even finished my spec script for tv show yet cause I quite literally don't have the time.

I'm cooked.

Its too late for the fork - just hose me down and start over.

Yes today is National Underwear Day.

And in honor of the day, I've decided to put my underwear on inside out.

In fact, I was so ENTHUSED about this holiday, I practiced this feat last week.

Ahh the joys of flea brain.

In other news, our wrap party is tonite. My sis got us a free hotel room so we can party till late in the nite and not have to worry about getting home. Oddly enough, it is the same hotel I took my sunshine to last year and it just so happens she got THE SAME ROOM we had.

That'll be a tad bit weird.

Good times. Good times.

Going going gone.

It really was too good to be true.

I asked if the rumors about my being kicked out of my new fancy office were true.

I was told maybe possibly however they liked me where I was and didn't want to move me. If they had to, they'd let me know and put me back where I was or in a cubicle area.

The new director/writer on this new movie and the exec producer apparently threw a tizzy over the idea of my staying in the director's assistant's office (as its right outside the director's office) and without even telling me - moved my stuff.

I came in to find I'd been moved.

To a smaller space.

After the whole reason behind my initial move was because I was running out of space and innocently asked for a bigger filing cabinet or some shelves.

Now I'm in this claustrophobic nook with no hope of seeing the sun and no room for half my crap.

I was less than happy and said, in not the most understanding tone of voice, what happened, why have I been moved? I also pointed out that I didn't have enough room for all my stuff.

I was then basically berated for getting upset, for being ridiculous to think I could stay where I was, and that I was being ungrateful.

Sucks.

The PA who was made to move my stuff before I came in - popped over later on to apologize to me. He said he felt so sorry for me that they were moving me. Apparently I wasn't the only one that erroneously thought my moving into my own big office was a sign of my status being elevated or some such nonsense. I guess it was all just a sick tease.

So much for my own office.

Boss man popped in unannounced today. First time he's been in the office and off set in at least a month - maybe longer.

Didn't know I'd been moved. Silly me, I thought he'd been part of the decision to put me here.

And said they may need to move me - again. Probably back to where I was previously residing I would imagine.

Sigh.

Plus I FINALLY got my head outta my ass and started working on my spec script again today - only to be interupted umpteen million times by co-workers and my boss man's sudden appearance.

We start filming our final block of episodes next week.

After that I'll get about a month of wrap time.

It seems like all the chips are falling into place for another movie to start up once we wrap the tv show. Let's hope I'm working on that too.

Which of the five/six feature scripts I have is the one that'll be filmed - I'm not sure. I have an educated guess at best.

Been a bit busier at work - but still fairly slow. I find myself nodding off more often than doing work - basically because I lack any work to do. Which is why after talking to a friend - I slapped myself upside the head and took my script out to work on.

Get it done - she said. Write it out and even if it sucks - at least its written and can always be tweaked.

My apartment is almost done. Have to paint one more room and hang up some shelves and then TADA - it'll be done.

However in the meantime I need to find a way to torture my cat. She decided my new beautiful leather couch was her new scratching post and even with a thick ugly couch cover over it and trimmed nails - has still continued to cause marks to appear.

Of course she never does this while I am home.

I got some anti-scratching spray called Feliway which I hope will help.

I did the mature thing and upon seeing the damage promply burst into tears.

My little dog rushed over to comfort me when he saw me curled up on the floor in front of my previously pretty couch sobbing my eyes out.

Ahh life.

Exceedingly painfully horrifically slow at work these days. No looming clearance issues. No million re-writes of script pages. No tasks from boss man to rush over. I've got absolutely NADA to do. Which should be great - I should have that script basically done by now - right? Right? Right? ...........................well........haha.........ummm..........no. My mental funk and block is entrenched deeper than I was aware - now to just get that chisel out and hammer away.

The only good thing that's come out of this long stretch of downtime is I have my own semi-office instead of just a desk in an aisle.

I was running out of space to put my plethora of paperwork and innocently asked if the office had some spare storage stuff I could snag.

Apparently the powers that be had already discussed moving me prior to my request. I suddenly found myself packing up and moving to a more private and bigger corner of our office.

So now I have a semi-office. Big white painted brick wall in front of me. Four tall walls around me with some sorta privacy plastic over them and a small doorway but no door.

I actually liked where I was but I did need more room and a bit more privacy. Its hard to work on scripts when everyone and their mother is breathing down your neck to read what's on your screen.

During this long stretch of downtime from any actual work, while at work, I've been desperately trolling the internet for some relatively cheap furniture to fill my empty apartment. I did this in an attempt to avoid Ikea. I've also visited Kmart and Target more often in the last month than I do during an entire year.

Alas I was not successful. I had to go back to Ikea whether I liked it or not as I had to exchange more wrong pieces I'd been given for my closet system.

I figured I might as well make the best of it and check out their As-Is section since its right next to the Returns area. Plus on Wednesdays they give an extra 10% off purchases from As-Is.

Thankfully this turned out to be a wise idea as I netted a leather two seater couch and a lovely entertainment center for a significant discount off their original prices.

The real test however will be when the delivery truck drops off said purchases on Tuesday. Let's hope they arrive in one piece and no less scathed then they were at time of purchase.

Back from our second & final hiatus. I actually got some time off for a pleasant change. Granted I ended up working from home, but better to be at home than having to commute and work outta the office.

My new apartment needs some major help. It'll be all good as I used to say way back when - just gonna take a bit longer to get there.

Still working on my script - I haven't actually looked at it in about two weeks. I've hit the proverbial hump. I have my story lines all planned out - however executing them is proving exceedingly difficult. I had a friend in the office read it who's been giving me some pointers and a writer friend who said she couldn't see the story lines or arcs. A very bad sign indeed.

The writer on the show said he won't have time to read anything till we wrap so I still have some time to pull it together.

Let's hope inspiration slaps me upside the head so I can not only finish but have it make sense.

Ikea is the devil. I've been in the store before - three times just to browse and get ideas and once with my sister when she bought some knick knacks.

Tuesday was my first experience actually purchasing a product from them and what a fucking nightmare. It took at least three hours to make a purchase - THREE HOURS!

Totally insane.

It didn't help that basically every associate talked to me as though I was a five year old with no comprehension skills.

I was so frustrated, tired and stressed {especially after my move to my new apartment where I discovered everything single storage unti that was on the walls was removed by the previous tenant - leaving me with a single small closet and a tiny medicine cabinet and nothing else - not even a towel bar - sigh} I was literally begging them to let me go home. Please its been three hours, I just want to go home! It was ugly.

I ended up haviing to leave without my purchase to calm down because after being talked down to and belittled by at least five different associates, I was ready to blow up in a rather physical manner.

My sunshine took pity on me and went back in later on to fix their fuck-up and get me the correct items I had ordered and not the wrong ones.

Three hours.

And I was told by one of the jerk-off associates I should have alloted more time for my visit to them.

MORE TIME!

Insane.

Another huge fight. Another night of tears. Another day of fighting off these depressive and dark thoughts.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control.

I feel utterly alone.

I hope its all just a short melodramatic blip on my radar that will soon pass away.

But I know it just keeps getting worse.

The sadness.

The sheer despair that food nor sleep can wear away.

I'm not alone. I have friends. I have my family - to whatever fucked up extent they can be a family for me. I have my pets - my awesome loving fluffy animals who know something is just not right.

My bf or whatever he is right now is pushing me to the brink of sanity. The brink of reason.

The drama is too much to bear.

Heck even my friends are getting tired of it - they haven't said as much but I'm fairly sure they are.

One of my friends - after the last big blow-out fight I had with my bf - just hasn't been the same. We don't talk as often. I can't talk to her at all about my bf. I've barely seen her and forget the big joint get togethers with my friends and his - I haven't been able to get them all together - no matter how many times I try - since that last fight. I'm afraid this friend has reached her fill of me and my sunshine.

I got another friend in trouble at work today - however unintentional it was - she wrote from her work email and I of course responded with a rather long diatribe filled with many unsavory words that were caught by her job's email filter and well I'm not sure just what happened other than she's in trouble.

Its like I can't even talk to my friends about my life without my drama interfering in their lives - even though its my drama - it seems to fall on them like a wet wool blanket that's hard to lift off. Its like my life is too much for anyone to handle - this is what worries me. Even when I avoid drama - it still falls upon my doorstep.

I try to limit what I tell my friends. I dont' want to push them away but sometimes I so desperately need to just tell someone - anyone who will listen and understand what's happening - i just blurt it all out - babble and babble and babble. Just to know someone is hearing me and can help me just by simply being there.

I worry I'm going to be left all alone in this world.

With no friends or at least no one who really knows me - who I can talk to about everything and anything without worry of them ditching me and running away as has often been the case in my past of littered friendships.

With no lover, no husband, no bf, no partner.

With no family cause I barely have the shell of one now.

I can't talk to my family anymore about anything of importance - it just ends up biting me in the ass later on. I try to avoid them now or when I have to see them talk about little or nothing that's going on in my life.

Even when I make effort, its never enough. I'm never enough. Its never good enough.

Whether its true or not, that's how it feels.

I think this is why I miss M so much. For although he was a fucking asshole, he was always there. Every day for 8 years - day in and day out - he was there - he listened to me, he supported me, he was physically there for me. And now he isn't. He's moving away and in with his girlfriend and her daughters. I don't have anyone in my life who was there for me like he was. So now I spill when I can't hold it in any longer. I spill the contents of my head, of my worries, of my life onto those who listen.

but there aren't that many left now

There aren't many who know it all.

Only M knew it all. The history alone made it easy for him to understand and relate.

I isolated myself with him and now I'm paying the ultimate price.

Maybe I just don't know how to relate to people anymore.

Maybe I just don't know how to handle my own life.

Or maybe I'm just expecting too much.

I really don't know.

I can only be at this moment and hope the next day or the next or the next brings the living and enjoyment back into my being.

I've been published. I wish I could feel more excited. I should be esctatic. But all that's sticking with me as of this exact moment is for all the well wishes and congrats and great comments I've gotten - I had to call my own family to see if they'd bothered to even read the email I sent with the link to where my story resides and to find out not only that they had bothered but were too busy or just didn't care enough to send their congrats to me too.

They fucking suck. Some days I wish I could just walk away from them completely, but then I'd never see my nieces & nephews and I know that would suck worse.

Still working on the spec script - halfway thru Act Two.

I'm considering entering some stories I've written into the Writer's Digest contest.

I need to get back into the writing groove.

Also I'm moving!

Can't wait - I'm so sick of where I live right now. I had been looking into buying a condo - what a fiasco that was - give me another couple of years and a serious raise - then I'll consider it again.

I sign the lease on my new place in the morning.

Some days, like today, I feel bad about how much I bitch about my boss.

Considering all things he's a very nice guy.

He lets me be. He doesn't hound me about my work. He trusts me to complete the tasks I have before me.

All in all not a bad guy.

He even extended my pay on the movie for four weeks.

It could be much worse.

I'll try to remember all this the next time he talks to me like I'm an idiot in front of a group of people. =)

But seriously, I think I'm pretty lucky.

Dong, Shlong, Tits & Ass

Don't get too excited. I haven't decided to make this into a x-rated blog. One of the joys of my job is that I deal with clearances and standards & practices concerns when it comes to our scripts.

Yes I act as the script police.

And on the show I work for, we reference porn in almost every episode. The show's got a lotta horny men in it, what can I say.

In fact I deal with porn so much, the art department coordinator and I have dubbed the area where our desks reside as porn alley.

There's even a box of remote control playthings under one of the desks that one of the big porn congloms donated for our use on the show. To be returned, of course, at the end of the season.

Our art department coordinator keeps the box closed at all times. One of the reasons for this is because otherwise we'd have people looking at the goodies all day - as we had before she kept the box closed. The other is because apparently our cleaning person is a Jehovah's Witness and might have a stroke if she saw what we kept in said box.

On Wednesday I had a lovely conversation with a network exec about a scene that didn't "exist." The script hadn't been officially released to the studio and the network, but since we were filming the non-existent scene on Friday, I had to check and make sure the above listed words wouldn't get us in hot water.

So I got to read the "hypothetical" scene over the phone to the understanding gentleman on the other line.

Luckily they were all cleared for use. Then it was a matter of finding whether Shlong and Dong (titles abbreviated to protect the innocent) are real porn titles and if we could get said titles in time for Friday's shoot. Otherwise we'd have to "fake" it. Meaning the actor would hold a product other than the real one but we'd shoot it in a way where you couldn't tell it wasn't the real DVD.

See one of the joys of clearances is if you mention a product on screen and want to show said product, you actually have to be holding said product. If you aren't, it means you are misrepresenting the product - a big expensive no no.

For example last year, the main character improv'd a line about drinking a Caramel Frappuccino. But he was holding a generic coffee cop. Starbucks has Frappuccino trademarked so we had to go in and have the actor dub the line as Caramel Cappuccino.

Fun.

Anyway I finally got a literal moment to ask my boss about my being on set again. He said I was to stay in the office "for now." And so it goes...

Brainstorming some ideas. Hope to have at least an outline by the end of this week. At least. Everyone says I should use my free time at work to write, but I end up getting distracted. Once distracted, the train my ideas were on usually derails. Never to be righted again.

So it will be a challenge. But a good challenge. I need a goal. I need a deadline. Otherwise I simply flounder about without purpose or direction.

My dreams have been haunted with thoughts of my ex-fiance. Its been quite some time since we broke up. I don't know what's causing him to haunt my sleep.