Finally working on my script... again! I have high hopes to finish not only the first spec but a second one as well.

Boss man's new assistant and I get along great. I have no problem training him or responding to all his questions. But it just irks me that he gets to do things; I was not allowed to do when I was an assistant. Plus he has a built in database - me - of information on how to do the job. Something I never had - I was left to fend for myself with an uncommunicative boss who always acted like he couldn't stand me.

The new assistant gets to go on the tech scouts - regularly. My first season, I was allowed to attend four. Then they decided to lighten the load of those who attended and that included me. I was encouraged to keep asking about attending but was never again given the opportunity.

The new assistant gets to visit set. My first season, I was on set virtually every day. My next season, I was office bound and allowed to visit set ONCE. I was miserable. I asked at the end of last season if this season, I could visit set more often. I was told I could and gladly stayed on knowing I'd be back where I was happiest.

Fast forward to this season. I get a raise and a new job title. Fantastic - career is moving forward. But I also get a new set of job responsibilities that effectively chain me to my desk. Not to mention my new set of bosses decided they'd rather I stay in the office to over see certain tasks. So here I am - trapped and miserable yet again.

The new assistant is office bound most of the time too but he's gone to set triple what I was allowed to do last season. When he is on set - boss man encourages him to get a pair of cans (headphones), sit in the chairs (which are reserved for the big wigs), and watch the monitors. I however was either reprimanded severely or given dirty looks or just got a general crappy attitude from boss man when I would hang near the monitors during my first season on this show. I never sat in the chairs and always tried to be aware of making sure everyone could see - staying towards the back or simply getting out of the way if others needed to see the screens more than I - but apparently it wasn't enough for boss man and I was almost effectively banned from being anywhere near the monitors.

This is why I need to get these scripts finished. To stop lollygagging and letting insecurity, laziness and depression have control over my past, present and future. So that I can move forward and have control over when I get to decide if I'll be on set or not - so that its my decision and not someone elses. So I can be happy and in love with my job again. I miss the days when I would wake up and be thrilled about going to work - even at 4:30A in the morning. These days I have to literally drag myself into the office with little to no enthusiasm.

I also need this job more than ever now. I need to get my ass in gear and do 100% better than I have been to make sure the producers bring me with them once this show ends.

With my ex and co-parent out of the picture {I haven't seen or heard from him since he moved into the home he bought with his girlfriend in November}, I am now the sole caretaker - emotionally, financially and physically of our pets and they ain't cheap to look after. I certainly don't regret them at all, but I never expected to be taking care of them all on my own. I need to do all I can to stay gainfully employed. Now if I can somehow manage to stay gainfully employed and bring the joy back into my work, I'll be all set.