Another huge fight. Another night of tears. Another day of fighting off these depressive and dark thoughts.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control.

I feel utterly alone.

I hope its all just a short melodramatic blip on my radar that will soon pass away.

But I know it just keeps getting worse.

The sadness.

The sheer despair that food nor sleep can wear away.

I'm not alone. I have friends. I have my family - to whatever fucked up extent they can be a family for me. I have my pets - my awesome loving fluffy animals who know something is just not right.

My bf or whatever he is right now is pushing me to the brink of sanity. The brink of reason.

The drama is too much to bear.

Heck even my friends are getting tired of it - they haven't said as much but I'm fairly sure they are.

One of my friends - after the last big blow-out fight I had with my bf - just hasn't been the same. We don't talk as often. I can't talk to her at all about my bf. I've barely seen her and forget the big joint get togethers with my friends and his - I haven't been able to get them all together - no matter how many times I try - since that last fight. I'm afraid this friend has reached her fill of me and my sunshine.

I got another friend in trouble at work today - however unintentional it was - she wrote from her work email and I of course responded with a rather long diatribe filled with many unsavory words that were caught by her job's email filter and well I'm not sure just what happened other than she's in trouble.

Its like I can't even talk to my friends about my life without my drama interfering in their lives - even though its my drama - it seems to fall on them like a wet wool blanket that's hard to lift off. Its like my life is too much for anyone to handle - this is what worries me. Even when I avoid drama - it still falls upon my doorstep.

I try to limit what I tell my friends. I dont' want to push them away but sometimes I so desperately need to just tell someone - anyone who will listen and understand what's happening - i just blurt it all out - babble and babble and babble. Just to know someone is hearing me and can help me just by simply being there.

I worry I'm going to be left all alone in this world.

With no friends or at least no one who really knows me - who I can talk to about everything and anything without worry of them ditching me and running away as has often been the case in my past of littered friendships.

With no lover, no husband, no bf, no partner.

With no family cause I barely have the shell of one now.

I can't talk to my family anymore about anything of importance - it just ends up biting me in the ass later on. I try to avoid them now or when I have to see them talk about little or nothing that's going on in my life.

Even when I make effort, its never enough. I'm never enough. Its never good enough.

Whether its true or not, that's how it feels.

I think this is why I miss M so much. For although he was a fucking asshole, he was always there. Every day for 8 years - day in and day out - he was there - he listened to me, he supported me, he was physically there for me. And now he isn't. He's moving away and in with his girlfriend and her daughters. I don't have anyone in my life who was there for me like he was. So now I spill when I can't hold it in any longer. I spill the contents of my head, of my worries, of my life onto those who listen.

but there aren't that many left now

There aren't many who know it all.

Only M knew it all. The history alone made it easy for him to understand and relate.

I isolated myself with him and now I'm paying the ultimate price.

Maybe I just don't know how to relate to people anymore.

Maybe I just don't know how to handle my own life.

Or maybe I'm just expecting too much.

I really don't know.

I can only be at this moment and hope the next day or the next or the next brings the living and enjoyment back into my being.